Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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