Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
