he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i've created a new STD.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
