I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
