Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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