Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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