there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
