I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
