if you like me you must not know who I am
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
