I just pynch a tree in the face
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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