i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
