If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
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I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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