My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
