I skipped work to stalk him.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
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I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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