ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
