hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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