you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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