you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
