there's paper in my vomit.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
