Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I stole a fireplace last night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
