I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
