a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
