Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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