mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
3pm strippers are depressing
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
