I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
