Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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