so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
