Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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