Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
