Swine flu. Run for my life!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
