1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
