I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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