I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
