I can tuck mytits in my pants
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
