I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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