The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
