I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
