Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
