Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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