Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
