Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
