Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
