When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My ATM looks so different sober.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
