i wish my penis had a tongue
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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