You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
