Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
