just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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