oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
