I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
