After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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