your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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