Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
