seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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