in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
