they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT