you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.