you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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